HAH!

That is so incredibly eye opening. Even google recognizes that I’m a Jack of all trades and a master of none.

Thanks for the ego boost, search stats! That just made my day.

I’m not grinchy. Or scroogey. But I’m very fucking cranky about this whole “Elf on the Shelf” phenomenon.

He looks sweet, but he's pissing me off.

Eventually one of my children will see this elf in your home. And they will want one for OUR home. And that shit aint happening. Because we do not allow tattling. That Elf is nothing but a big ol’ tattle tale. I’m not having it. Not even a little.

I’m already lying to my kids and going out of my way to perpetuate a story about a fat dude squeezing down the chimney we don’t have, watching my children’s every move. It takes everything I’ve got to keep the Santa Claus myth going. My kids don’t even BLINK when I tell them to be good because Santa is watching. They just don’t care…or maybe they don’t believe that they won’t get presents (which is totally true. I would never withhold gifts on Christmas because of a temper tantrum, or painting with toothpaste. Drug use? Maybe. But it will be years before that really becomes likely.)

We talk and talk and talk about telling the truth. We work on being good for the sake of being good, that there are no rewards except for knowing that you have done good deeds and seeing the smile on people’s faces. They seem to get this concept as much as little tiny people can.

Until November, at which point everything changes.

Not only will you get PRESENTS when you are good, but there are threats of NO PRESENTS if you are bad. This goes against every parenting bone in my body. He already knows everything you do. The song says so.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He’s really fucking creepy.” Oh, the song doesn’t say that exactly? I’ve always kind of made up my own words to songs…

Back to the Elf. Supposedly, this elf watches you all day, and goes to report to Santa at night. The parents are responsible for getting the elf into mischief prior to the children waking up. When they find the elf, everyone laughs and shakes their head and wonders WHAT he was thinking.

Let me get this straight. First the elf tattles on you (totally not allowed). THEN he does bad things that my children would get in trouble for (double standard…Elves aren’t supposed to be good, too?) That’s a bunch of bullshit, if you ask me. Talk about mixed messages.

I can’t lie to my kids like that. I even tried to come clean about Santa in October, and they just wouldn’t believe me.

“Only some people believe in Santa Claus. How would you feel if he wasn’t real?”
“Mom, you are wrong. Santa lives in the North Pole with the elves. How else would we get those presents? If people don’t believe then he hates them and they don’t get presents anymore.”

She’s seemed to go it all worked out…so I pussied out and told her she was right. Plus, if they actually knew the truth, they would tell their friends. I would be responsible for the death of Christmas for 30 3 and 4 year olds. I can’t have that. It’s hard enough to make parent friends. Ruining Christmas for their toddlers certainly wouldn’t help.

But I’m still not into the elf. Because once you tell a lie, you have to keep embellishing the details to make it seem real. I know a guy that actually put his foot in SOOT and tracked it from the fireplace to the tree so his 7 year old would believe for 1 more year. This woman has a pretty amazing rant about not wanting to go crazy with naughty elf “fun”, and I totally totally feel her…which is why I plan on staying as far away from the elf as possible.

This is madness.

I can’t even bring myself to eat the cookies we leave out for Santa.

Call me lazy, call me a bad parent. Call me whatever you want. There will be no elves here. If you tell my child about the damn elf, I will just let them know that we don’t need no stinking elf. We have a direct line to Santa. He and I have a very close personal relationship and I’LL let him know when you’ve been naughty or nice.

So be good for goodness sake.

There is something so PROPER about a clean dish. No, I am not kidding.
No, I will not do your dishes.
Except if you cook me dinner at your house. Then I’ll wash your dishes as long as you give me sips of wine and stay in the kitchen to chat. I hate missing the party.

It seems as though I will always be a dishwasher. Growing up, it was one of the only chores I didn’t hate being assigned to.
Something about the warm water, soapy dishes and repetition of it all was less awful than folding laundry and washing windows.

The one thing I hate about doing dishes is dishpan hands. I am a grown ass woman. I have to clean shit up ALL.THE.TIME. But I can never find a pair of rubber gloves with which to protect my hands.
That’s a lie. I could find them if I owned them. It simply never occurs to me to buy them.

I’ve been looking longingly at a few pairs of beautiful heavy duty gloves lately, and I thought I’d share them with you for shits and giggles.

If I had any time in my day, maybe I’d make myself a pair.

http://www.favecrafts.com/Mothers-Day/Fancy-Rubber-Gloves#

These match my kitchen

Like gloves with dresses on.

Black and silver-can you say CLASSY!!!!

The little black dress of dishwashing

I love the fact that these should stop water from rolling down my arm. Pet Peeve.

http://www.amazon.com/Casabella-Clean-Waterstop-Rubber-Gloves/dp/B00556HHJQ/ref=pd_sim_hpc_4

Don’t get me wrong. If I had a choice, I’d delegate the dishes too. My husband has the bad habit of leaving the pots and pans for me, even when he’s done every other dish in the sink. So I’m pretty sure I’ll be stuck at the sink until my kids stop thinking of water in the sink as time for a nice swim.

What chore do you dislike the least in your house?

Most paperclip holders are so....boring.

I don’t drink martinis, so I use this glass to hold paperclips…which I use all the time. You wouldn’t believe the number of compliments I get on it.

He's pissed...and not wearing any pants. that's what happens when he gets angry. He strips.

On my drive home yesterday, I came up with an awesome way to explain Unconditional Parenting to y’all.

Unconditional Parenting is almost exactly like being a good manager.
• You talk to your children like they are adults that can make their own choices, while giving clear guidelines for behavior and setting reasonable expectations.
• You LISTEN intently, repeat what was said so you are sure you understand the question, and help the person come up with a reasonable solution to their problem.
• You listen to their complaints and validate their feelings.
• You consider making adjustments when the team is not working at their full potential.
• You are always changing and growing with your team, working with their strengths and weaknesses.
• You are always available to talk, and you ask what your child needs from you in order for us to be successful.

I find myself dipping into my old bag of management tricks often when I’m working with my kids, and as they grow, they respond really well to these techniques.

It can be so tempting to speak with exasperation, or raise your voice, or be impatient with your kids. Most of the time, I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I switch from being tolerant, understanding, explaining every detail, and managing their conflicting needs to being the most impatient, demanding and irritable mother on the planet. This usually happens when I am hungry, tired, or solo parenting for the day.

If you also find yourself sassing back at your 4 year old, I really really understand.

What usually helps me is a glass of red wine and a cuddle. Slow breathing, holding my kids tight and ignoring the to do list running through my head makes a world of difference. When we are back on track, I try my hardest to be a good manager; kind, understanding, firm, and guiding my kids through whatever totally ridiculous shit they insist on dragging me into….and sometimes it even works!

So turquoise and shit.

Does anyone have any recommendations for a running shoe for people with a high arch? I look like I’m en pointe even flat footed.

My house is a disaster, there is a long work day ahead, and I have done zero Christmas shopping.

I have a 22 lb turkey AND a ham defrosting in my refrigerator for the 120 person family party on Saturday.

Darian’s first dance performance is on Thursday. I don’t actually know for sure what her costume is supposed to be.

I just had my phone replaced yesterday, and it is still shutting down unexpectedly.

I have no winter vegetable garden. The backyard is full of weeds. I have neither the time nor the motivation to make things look pretty.

Some days I am awesome at juggling mom and work and other responsibilities. Today is not one of those days.

Oh, and Rhys just peed his pants IN the bathroom. At least the bathroom is already filthy.

Just sayin’.

Smearing oil on my face like a crackhead gave me baby-like skin.
Serious again.

I had barely had a pimple until my daughter was born. After her birth, my skin went Cray-Zay. I had painful underground volcanoes, little annoying whiteheads, big, nasty black heads…and I had no idea what to do about them. They were up and down my jawline, right in the middle of my cheeks, on the tip of my nose.

Worse than the acne alone, I am a picker. I can’t help myself…especially in stressful situations. Every day in the mirror, I spend time trying to get that shit OUT! It only makes it worse. Much worse. Rather than just a little red dot, after picking a blemish, it becomes a bleeding, scabby, red raw splotch. Not cute. Not grown up. Crackhead status.

When you start battling zits as a teen, I assume that you figure out something that works by your mid twenties. But when you start getting zits at 25, it is very hard to come to terms with them.

Things only got worse with my second pregnancy, and I began trying more than just face wash and moisturizer. I used retinol (itchy, dry, creepy), anti-bacterial wash (cleared it up for a bit, but then got worse), apricot scrub (too scrubby for my face), and finally settling on a mild face wash that didn’t help, but at least wasn’t making things worse. Moisturizer was no better and everything I tried seemed to either dry me out or give me an oil slick on my face.

I knew that my hormones had shifted and that I needed to see a dermatologist. They told me to go on birth control. No thanks. I’m not interested in more hormones in my body quite yet. The ones I have are giving me plenty of trouble as is.*

I began researching alternate skin care online, thinking that SOMETHING has got to give. I wasn’t finding anything that wowed me. I figured maybe I would have to go on birth control, and just maybe I would have to deal with weird bumpy skin for the rest of my adult life.

One day, i was reading my Blog reader, and I clicked on an intriguing link about the Oil Cleansing method on Sorta Crunchy‘s blog. You guys! My life is completely changed.

I swear to you, my skin now looks like a kajillion bucks more often than not. This is a fucking miracle.

I make a mixture of 30% Castor oil (Whole foods), 60% Jojoba Oil (I buy it at Trader Joe’s) and 10 % Grapeseed oil (also from TJs). I add about 10 drops of tee tree oil for scent and it’s antibacterial properties. You can use any essential oil you like.

Massage a silver dollar sized glob of the oil (I keep mine in a travel size bottle I bought at Target) into your pores for 2 or three minutes, really focusing on the bumpy areas and places you know clog up easily. I do some “Dirt elimination visualization” which sounds dumb, but isn’t.

Get a washcloth wet with hot water.
Wring out the washcloth and steam your face until the washcloth is cold. Wipe the oil off of your face. Don’t scrub. just wipe it normally.
Repeat this steam and wipe process 2 or 3 more times, until your face feels clean.

VERY IMPORTANT STEPS:
-Tone with Witch hazel to give your skin an extra bit of cleansing
-Use just a dab of the same oil to moisturize your face after cleansing. I tried using straight Jojoba oil this past week, and I started getting breakouts again. I think the tiny bit of extra Castor oil helps to keep my pores clear.

I only have to use this method every other day. On alternate days, I skip the oil, still steaming my face with a hot washcloth, toning with witch hazel and using the oil to moisturize. If I have a blemish appear, I dab straight tea tree oil on it for a few days and it goes away. It has been about 3 months and I am happy as a clam that I tried something new.

The science behind this is that oil dissolves oil and Castor oil sucks the nasty stuff right out of your pores. Play around with the ratios of each type of oil, and check out this link as well, as she explains the process in great detail.

I know this sounds hippie and strange and like it would never work for you. I only did it as a last resort. But it WILL work, and you will save money and you will feel so CLEVER and you will tell all your friends.

The best part for me, personally: I have stopped my incessant picking. Something about knowing that if I leave them alone, they will work themselves out, has really helped me to keep my hands away from my face. I still have the occasional relapse, but it is NOTHING like it was just 3 months ago.

Please let me know if you have any questions. Have you tried washing your face with oil? Any other slightly hippie beauty secrets?

*I know, people. The birth control MIGHT help. But my husband didn’t have a vasectomy so that I would have to pop a pill every day.)